Lack
of commitment turns 'I do' vow into 'Maybe I do'
By Mark Wolf, Rocky Mountain News
May 14, 2005
Everybody wants more choices. The multipage menu at the restaurant.
Hundreds of TV channels. Dating services with hundreds of potential
mates.
We're in a culture, says Denver marital researcher and
psychologist Scott Stanley, that glorifies hanging on to every choice
instead of making a true commitment that can lead to lifelong happiness.
"When you boil it all down, commitment is making a choice to give
up other choices," said Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital
and Family Studies at the University of Denver and author of the new
book The Power of Commitment - A Guide to Active, Lifelong Love
(Jossey-Bass, $16.95).
"The deeper, most joyous part (of life) can't be had by hanging
on to everything. Priorities in life are a daily, weekly, monthly
thing. We have to give up other choices all the time or the choice (of
a lifelong partner) we said was so important won't survive."
Most obvious of the choices that must be given up in a committed
relationship is alternative partners, Stanley said, but more common
everyday choices often revolve around time.
"We can't have a deeper, thriving relationship with our mate
unless we spend time. Most of us are very busy. It's hard to make time
to be with our mate," he said.
"Our younger son said something totally brilliant even before he
was 6. I asked him to do something and he said, 'No.' I joked with him
to get him to say 'Yes,' kind of verbally tickling him. He said with
almost no pause, 'Yes takes too much time.'
"I'm guilty of this. Most of us are. We say 'no' too often to our
mates and 'yes' too seldom. That's an issue about choices. We have to
give up the wrong choices to make the right choice. A lot of times the
choices we make are selfish choices, where we'd rather make a choice
that pleases us more maybe than what's really good for our mate and our
marriage."
Couples who live together before they are engaged, Stanley
believes, are more likely to slide into marriage, rather than make
decisive, committed choices to marry.
"What young people believe is, 'Living with you is a good way to
test the relationship.' They think it's lowering the odds, although all
the studies show it's not."
Many young people have grown up in what he calls a "Maybe I Do"
culture, Stanley said.
"We live in a culture that's so risk-averse, where people don't
want to jump in and really decide 'I'm in' or 'I'm out.' The idea of
the wedding day is you look your about-to-be mate in the eye and say,
'I do.' You don't say, 'Maybe I do.'
"But the way people slither and slide to the altar these days,
that's their reality. People make 'Maybe I do' commitments instead of
'I do.' 'Maybe I'll follow through, do what's required, maybe you can
count on me, maybe you can trust me.' "
The idea that every person has one "soul mate" they are destined
to spend their life with can erode commitment, Stanley said.
"If you're really unhappy with your mate and have a 'soul
mate-itis ideology,' your natural inclination will be to think that,
'If you were my real soul mate I couldn't possibly be this unhappy all
the time. Obviously you're not 'the one.' 'The one' is out there and I
have made the wrong choice. I have to move on.'
"A lot of couples have had great marriages in terms of raising
their kids, having compatibility and companionship and supporting each
other, but they would never think of each other as soul mates."
wolfm@RockyMountainNews.com or 303-892-5226
http://insidedenver.com/drmn/lifestyles/article/0,1299,DRMN_4336_3776431,00.html